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I am a stone, being gently washed, sculpted, and shaped by the river of the Holy Spirit... --The Riverstone Journal http://www.river-stone.us/

Yes, there are people who do care about you. We care because we too have made stupid mistakes but we are alive and still learning, as your "rolling stone" metaphor suggested. That's what life is: we are being shaped and molded by life experiences. The roughest experiences in life are what make us the softest. It's like filing your nails: you have to use a rough emery board to get the sharp edges off, and make them soft.

Every one of us on this planet has made mistakes, but we keep learning from them and getting better.

Please remember what I said about your husband. He is not a perfect man, even though he evidently thinks he is. His viewpoint on things is not the only viewpoint.

He is not God, but only a mortal human being with errors and faults, just like the rest of us. Once I was in a relationship that may have been similar: I could only see through *his* eyes, interpret events *his* way, everything "his way." It was an abusive relationship and these things are hard to shake off.

He and you think he is the "victim" in all of this. Hey, you know ... he used the Internet to find a wife, too. If he were SO concerned about getting a virgin, then (a) he should have chosen someone much younger; and (b) he should have given you a list of very specific questions to answer before marriage. If it was *that* important to him, he could also have gone back to his own village and gotten his relatives to find him a 17 year old virgin. He's working in the US. Tell me there were no 17-year old virgins back in his home city in India who wouldn't have agreed to marry this highly ethical, moral, intelligent, and good-looking prince!!

Instead, he uses the Internet and chooses an adult woman, a little older. Oh *well*. You see? He made his own choices, too, but he is trying to put all the blame onto you. He is responsible for his choices and actions as well as you. Evidently there was something about you he wanted. Family money? Name? Caste? Personality? Mind? Education? Looks? Etc. Whatever he wanted, it was important enough for him not to ask all the questions that later became so very important to him. His choices.

He chose to meet you and marry you the way he did. Nobody held a gun to his head. If virginity were important, he should have made it very very clear. He could have sent you to a doctor to be examined. But if it was that important, he should have gone the traditional route and used a regular marriage broker, face to face, from India. And a much younger girl. He didn't do that. He used the Net and did it on his own. Those were HIS choices. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything! A lot of people meet on the Net these days. It's very common, not just among Indians.

When I was in my abusive relationship, one comment from a female co-worker broke the spell for me. All she said was, "I'm not concerned about what HE thinks right now....what about YOU?" I'd not considered "what about me" before that moment. Sounds silly, but that's the way it was. That one remark from her was all it took, and the scales fell from my eyes. I got away from him and was much better off.

Please find some face-to-face people in your town who can help you through this. Priests for Life, Project Rachel, your local churches, a women's shelter, anything. Email me and I will try to find someone near you who can help (I know a lot of people in the Catholic and Episcopal churches and I might be able to connect you with someone who can help)

I take it you can't go to your family with any of this. Then find support somewhere else. There are people who care about you and what happens to you.

Why do we care? Because a lot of us have been right where you are, and have got through it. Also, our religion requires that we care. I am *not* trying to get you to convert; I am just explaining the reasons why all of a sudden these women you don't know are commenting on your blog!! :) I don't like people who push their religion on others. I am just trying to live it without pushing it. Leaving these comments and offering help is a way to "live it."
 

I'm so glad you posted again today! I'm going to check in frequently.

You sound to me like you have a sweet and fighting spirit, and I hope the day will come before too long when you are in the company of people and maybe a loving husband, who will appreciate and revel in who you are.

A steady diet of humiliating, critical put-downs will drive most people around the bend. Especially when the words are coming from someone who should delight in and honor you. We can start to believe them. But don't, don't, don't believe them.
 

Emily's right. The more you are with people who believe you're a certain way, the more you start to believe it yourself.

Okay, you did some things that were unwise, some things that were wrong. I'm not saying that isn't true. I agree with you.

But I challenge you to find me *one single person* on this planet who has NOT made a mistake, who has *never* done anything wrong or sinful or stupid. Where is this person? Show him (or her) to us.

Your husband is acting like he's some kind of saint. I'm not saying that he wasn't "misled"... okay, you didn't "tell all" before the marriage. Maybe he has the "right" to be unsettled. But there has to be forgiveness and compassion, or else we'll destroy ourselves, all of us. Because we all make mistakes. I do understand how it's possible to blank out on past events if they were painful. People do that.

But for him to tell you that you should kill yourself to atone for it is CRAZY! What about "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it, I'll never do it again"? Why isn't that ENOUGH? Why does he continue to torment you?

Perhaps he doesn't want to deal with the social disgrace of a divorce...so having you commit suicide is his "way out." "Ah well, she was insane, I was so good to her.. but she committed suicide. POOR ME!"

He sounds like a very insecure person. Insecure people point the finger of blame to others so that they don't have to deal with their own feelings of inadequacy.

Nobody is without fault. The thing is to learn from past mistakes... and not repeat them, but to learn and grow from them. I don't think it matters what your religion is: that's just common sense.

Because... if everyone killed themselves because they did something wrong in the past, there would be nobody left on Earth.

Not a single person would still be alive. Doesn't this makes sense?
 

Dear Friend,

You ask, "If a person committed a moral assassination, then is she/he eligible to take a moral stand in any other issue (could be related or un-related)?"

I want to address the question only as regards your abortion, because I had one, too, and because the other commentators have made excellent remarks concerning whether your husband is correct in his assessment of you. I hear in you a great desire to be a good person, and just having that desire gives you the quality. Good people make mistakes.

I will dare to answer yes to your question. Not only is one eligible to take a moral stand, I personally believe that one is required to do so, particularly in areas of related experience, for two reasons:

First, we have to make reparations - recompense in some way for what we have done wrong. The world cries for justice even as it commits more injustice. It is balance. And our efforts to do good hone our moral compasses, and enrich spiritual growth to help us avoid the unrelated but often serious mistakes that often follow a gravely immoral act.

Second, we must share what we know with others in order for the world community to survive. We learn hard lessons from what we do wrong. These lessons can and should be taught to our brothers and sisters in the world as warnings against the danger, in hope that we can prevent others from taking the same missteps.

Thank you for writing, and for allowing us to respond.